IT IS TOO EFFING HOT. THIS IS THE UK, NOT BLOODY AFRICA OR SOMETHING. THIS WEATHER NEEDS TO GFTO, RIGHT NOW.

The fan that I bought on Monday is already fucked, the rotor blade keeps coming off for some unknown reason. And when it doesn't, the whole thing makes a noise like an industrial machine. So basically it's not any good really, well seen it only cost less than a tenner.

Never thought I'd say this, but come back rain! *pleads*

[diagnosis| irritable]
[background noise|She Moves In Her Own Way - The Kooks]

RIP Michael Jackson.

His death is like the end of an era. I wasn't a special fan or anything, but I grew up knowing his name, knowing his music. To this day a song of his is the only thing that is 100% guaranteed to get me up dancing. You can see how he still inspires other artists even now. It's just very hard to imagine a world without him in it, like something is missing.

I have the radio on and his music is all they're playing. His comeback in London was so close, just next month, it's hard to believe that won't be happening now. My thoughts are with his family and everyone who was close to him. Death is a subject that resonates deeply for me right now given my personal situation, which is another reason why I think this is really hitting me.

Very sad day.

[diagnosis| melancholy]
[background noise|Billie Jean - Michael Jackson]

HOLY SHIT. THE NEW MOON MOVIE TIE-IN BOOK COVER DUDES.

( Cutting to save flist )

I haven't been this high over something non-House fandom related in...well...probably EVER to be honest. Am still in a major state of flail this morning. I will absolutely be buying a second copy of New Moon just to have this cover in my possession. I AM IN LOVE. ♥


[diagnosis| awake]
[background noise|Candy - Paolo Nutini]

If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.

Snagged from nitsa_maro

♥♥♥

PS: The pictures from my picture meme are coming soon. Sorry for the lack of flisting/updating, life has just been really nuts.

[diagnosis| loving]
[background noise|I'd Come For You - Nickelback]

Gah, I love Belle/Aden from Home And Away so hardcore. Such an amazing couple, with awesome chemistry between Jessica and Todd. Today's episode was fantastic for them, the way he saved Liam for her and then comforted her at the end. So then I go looking for spoilers, hoping to read that they're getting back together soon. Instead I read that ( spoiler cut ).

Why? Why does this always happen to the women in my ships? Not effing cool writers, not cool at all. *pouts*

In other pointless news I also have PMS, the charming thing that's the opposite of constipation and hardly slept all last night as a result of said ailments. I look and feel like crap and am totally wiped. Not my best Friday ever.

[diagnosis| grumpy]
[background noise|Paparazzi - Lady GaGa]

Despite the fact that I'm a thousand years behind everyone else, I have finally figured out how to connect my mobile phone to my computer and transfer files between the two. Better late than never. So bearing that in mind, I've decided to do a picture related meme that I've seen on my flist before but have never been able to participate in.

Comment with things in my real life that you want me to take pictures of, and after a time I'll post all the pictures in a seperate LJ entry for everyone's perusal. You can ask for anything, from a shot of my desk to my favourite mug to the view outside my front window. Anything at all, even if it seems mundane, and the more unusual the better. I've seen other people's pictures before and found them to be a fascinating little window into someone's everyday life, so I decided I'd like to try doing the same. It's possible no one will care lol. But I thought it could be a fun exercise to get me more engaged with my flist.

In the not too distant future I've also decided to try my first ever voice post, but using that meme where I ask people to leave me things to say as a way of hearing how they sound in my accent, that way I won't call up and be going "Ehhh..." and stuck for what to say. Plus, after seeing the Scots contestant on this year's Big Brother having to be subtitled for people to understand her, I'm curious to know if people can make out a word I'm saying lol.

So, have at it people, give me ideas for photographs!

[diagnosis| artistic]
[background noise|Don't You Want Me - Human League]

FF is down. I am bored. I need a distraction from real life. And it occurs to me that giving my opinion on this year's Big Brother housemates is probably just the right kind of pointless, crappy entry to take my mind off things. Yes, I have been reduced to watching rubbish like BB. Don't blame me, blame summer hiatus and no good TV left to watch.

( Includes spoilers from last night's eviction show )

That took longer than I thought, I actually got boed halfway though but decided I'd started so I may as well finish. Looks like it could be decent enough this year, I'll be hooked regardless of whether it is or not, I have discovered that resistance is futile. Nothing will ever top series 5 with the Jungle Cats and the Lipgloss Bitches though, that was quality entertainment.

Also just wanted to apologise for commenting even less than usual, but I'm sure you understand that real life has been on the crazy side for me recently. I suppose you could call this a semi-hiatus, as I never know when I'll have time to update. Will try and keep up with my flist as much as poss and read entries, can't promise much more than that though.


[diagnosis| geeky]
[background noise|Please Don't Leave Me - Pink]

HAWT BOY IS HAWTTTTTT.



Damn him being just 17, jailbait. Well whatever, he may be 17 in years, but he doesn't LOOK 17 physically. So I make no apologies for my lusting.

Edward, who is that??? *confused look* JACOB IS WHERE IT'S AT BITCHES.

*goes to take a cold shower*

[diagnosis| naughty]
[background noise|Broken Strings - James Morrison/Nelly Furtado]

It is apparently close to 30C outside today. Which is tropical for anytime of year in Scotland, nevermind the end of May. Apparently it's currently hotter in some places in this country than it is in parts of Spain. Well the boffins did predict a scorching hot summer this year, and since I'm not going abroad anymore, I hope they're right.

Being forced to bare my legs for the first time this year, traumatising. My whole body is whiter than a ghost. Will need to invest in some moisturiser containing fake tan.

Can't deny that sunshine and a clear blue sky is great for my mood, I think weather like this automatically lifts everyone's spirits.

Off to make an ice cold drink and watch the footie. Have a great weekend folks!

[diagnosis| hot]
[background noise|Untouched - The Veronicas]

Posting something that made me laugh out loud for a good 5 minutes.

Jacob The Charmer

What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common?
Their balls are just for decoration!

*snorts with hysterical laughter*

Jacob >>> Edward. Because real men don't sparkle.

[diagnosis| amused]
[background noise|Mama Do - Pixie Lott]

Picture credit: laurenzorz

You are my idol, my inspiration and a ray of sun in my life. Keep on smiling and keep on shining girl, you're beautiful in every way. Wishing you a happy, joy filled 43rd birthday full of laughter and love. You rock my world now and always.

You are a force, you are a constant source
Yeah you are a shining light
Incandescent in the darkest night
Yeah you are shining light

♥ ♥ ♥

[diagnosis| drained]
[background noise|Shining Light - Ash]

First of all, thanks from the bottom of my heart for the support you've all been giving me through all of this drama, I appreciate it more than you know. Love you guys. ♥

Erm right, so the latest. My aunt got to spend some time with my gran last night, and my gran told her the truth about how we felt about her and explained that it wasn't that we didn't want to see her, we just weren't being allowed because of the current situation. And it worked, my aunt listens to her mother before anyone. So at least now she knows we love her and that we'd love to see her if we could. That's a small weight of the mind. My aunt confessed to my gran that she's afraid to say that she loves us too and wants to see us because of how she knows her son and his wife feel about us. How fucking heart wrenchingly sad is that? She has no more than 2 months to live and they've frightened her into feeling like she can't even ask to see her own family. They're putting a stupid family feud above how she's feeling. I'll tell you all now, I have never felt such pure hatred towards anyone in my life as what I feel for those two poisonous, lowlife bastards. They just better hope for their own sakes I'm never left alone with them. The only upside to the sadly inevitable happening with my aunt (when it eventually does) is that we'll be able to cut those two out of our lives altogether, for good. They're both as good as dead to me already, I hope the bastards rot in hell. Harsh? Not in my mind, not after everything that's gone on. I was never very close to my cousin anyway and I've always disliked his wife, so it's not a huge loss.

And so, life goes on for now. We soldier on and make the best of what we have. It's already been decided that we'll still go to Egypt, just later in the year, maybe September/October. By that point we'll deserve and appreciate it so much more after everything we've been through. The saying goes that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, a saying that I've been repeating to myself a lot lately, and even moreso now.

Once again, thanks you guys. Just having people to listen makes such a difference to me right now.

[diagnosis| pensive]
[background noise|Love Sex Magic - Ciara ft. Justin Timberlake]

Just when I think things are getting better, they all start to crumble around me once again.

I found out tonight that my aunt has no more than 2 months left to live. Horrible on it's own, although not entirely unexpected if I'm being truly honest. Even worse when Mum and I had it shouted at us in the middle of the street by her nephew, who'd come to the bustop in his car with the sole intention of starting a fight. I can't even remember half of what was said, it's all a blur. He was the one who started shouting, we remained calm as long as possible but he refused to listen, then it all just disintegrated into shouting and swearing and tears. Right there in the middle of the road for the whole street to hear. Including the bit about how long my aunt had left to live. It's something you see on TV, not something you expect to happen to you personally. All this started as a result of a misunderstanding and now it's blown out of control. So now they loathe us and my aunt is probably going to leave this world thinking we don't care and we don't love her, and thanks to those poisonous bastards she lives with god knows if we'll ever get the chance to explain or even see her at all before the inevitable happens. Mum's nephew better hope I never see him for a very long time, because right now I'm so angry at how he handled things that I could gladly rip him limb from limb.

Obviously we're not going to Egypt now, we can't. And I'm dreading the thought of my gran finding out the news about my aunt, I kno she's stronger than all of us put together, but the thought of her face when she's told makes me feel like I've been punched in the gut. Not only are we losing someone we love, it's tearing the whole family to pieces at the same time, things officially cannot get any worse.

[diagnosis| numb]
[background noise|Waking Up In Vegas - Katy Perry]

I may as well update LJ when FF is down.

Family stuff: We're getting there, slowly. Pretty much just ignoring the wankers that are our relatives, they're the ones with the issues, not us. Still haven't seen my auntie, but I do know she's at least getting well looked after. Me and Mum are responsible for looking after my grandma, this week is the start of our new routine with her so we'll see how that goes. She may be 86 and physically frail, but she's coping with all this shit better than any of the rest of us. And apparently she told Mum yesterday that she's really impressed with me and how I've stepped up to the plate during this whole crisis. The compliment is lovely, but really, I've had no choice. When shit happens, you can either crumble and make it worse or you can step up and deal with it, I've chosen the second option because the first would be no good to anyone. So yeah, life is going to be different from now on and it will take some getting used to, but we'll get used to it and we'll manage. It's all you can do.

Other stuff: Not much else to report really. Off to the doctors shortly to get some protective vaccinations for my trip to Egypt next month. NEXT MONTH. It seems like no time since we booked it. Before I was freaking out about the long flight times or it being too warm for me, but now none of those things matter, I'm just desperate to bugger off to another continent and escape real life for a week. Can't believe I'm going to see the only remaining wonder of the ancient world up close and personal, pyramids here I come! Thanks to real life drama I've barely had a chance to buy anything, panic is setting in, I'll need to make time somehow.

And random, but I can't believe I was so angry with the House finale at first, EPIC FAIL on my part. Now I'm in love with it. ♥

That's all I guess. Need to go and get ready. Toodles!

[diagnosis| okay]
[background noise|The Fear - Lily Allen]

Oh what a bloody morning.

Basic backstory - my aunt is home now and is staying with her son (my mum's nephew) and his wife. My mum and his wife really don't get on and a couple of days ago they had a big argument. My mum just phoned to try and apologise even though she was still angry, and tried saying that no matter what they felt for each other they had to at least try and be civil for my aunt's sake. The decent thing to do, yes? Trouble is, her nephew's wife flung it all back in her face and starting ranting and being all "Civil my arse, you're an evil cow, you're an evil bitch" to my mum and simply wouldn't listen to reason and was basically totally horrible. And mum's nephew has automatically taken his wife's side and hung up the phone when she tried to phone him and explain. I doubt if either of them would let my mum in their house, which means she won't even get to see her own sister as long as she stays with them, and naturally my mum is very upset right now. Obviously I still want to see my aunt, but I don't think I could bring myself to sit in the same house as a woman who is treating my mother like dirt at what is already a very difficult time, the atmosphere would be poisonous and I'd probably end up falling out with her too. And my aunt has to witness everyone ripping each other apart, which will be doing her no good whatsoever. I just don't know what we're going to do. I'd have thought the woman would have put the fact that my aunt was facing the small prospect of DYING before her own feelings (about my mum). Obviously I was wrong. My mum is not the evil bitch, it's this vile woman, I hate her guts and would tear her a new one if I got the chance to speak to her myself.

It feels like the entire world is caving in on me right now.

[diagnosis| depressed]
[background noise|Use Somebody - Kings Of Leon]

Raising my hand and admitting that I've probably overreacted in regards to this episode. As you know I had some devastating news earlier yesterday and I'd been in denial and bottling up all of my emotions, it was almost like I NEEDED a target to just let rip at and pound on in order to let my emotions loose, and the finale episode just happened to be it.

All that said, I'm still very very disappointed. I loved 5x23 SO MUCH, and to learn it was all made up was a complete kick in the guts. I could maybe have dealt if just the sex part had been fake. But it was ALL fake. Him going to her, admitting he needed her, her being there for him, the college backstory, the "I always wanna kiss you" line - EVERYTHING I loved was a total lie. I don't think I'll every truly get over that.

Deep down I CAN appreciate what we did get, really deep down. But it's just that right now my sense of disappointment and my anger over being totally played for an idiot is overriding that appreciation, I do not enjoy being taken for a ride, and that's what is getting to me more than anything right now. That "For Huddy fans" video on the website was just a downright low and nasty trick, one I thought this show was above.

I'm sure I'll come to enjoy parts of this episode once some time has passed, but right now the disappointment is still raw and I'll need time to let that pass.

Just trying to explain things from my side in a more rational and less ranty manner.

[diagnosis| discontent]
[background noise|It's Not Fair - Lily Allen]

Dear David Shore and Katie Jacobs.

You've already managed to piss off one fangroup with this season as a whole, and now with that finale you've managed to royally piss off another, WAY TO GO IDIOTS.

No love, your entire fanbase.

At least this gives me something else to focus my emotions on right now.

[diagnosis| infuriated]
[background noise|Lose Yourself - Eminem]

( Spoilers )

Between this and my last entry, I just want to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out and never stop. Stop the world, I want to get off.


[diagnosis| crushed]
[background noise|Don't Know Why - Norah Jones]

Before I get into what I updated to say, I'd better fill in a few gaps.

You'll all remember the drama of my auntie having an operation to remove a brain tumour that I posted about just recently. The preliminary outcome of that was that it went well and they managed to remove it all. Then they found a suspected tumour on her lung and their strong suspiscion was that it was lung cancer, which was later confirmed. Before today's news, the last we'd heard from the consultant was that they'd be able to treat it in some way (either chemotherapy or an operation) and that she'd be fine, he seemed very confident about this. Not so. Her son met with said consultant today and the basic gist is that it's inoperable, they could still treat her with chemotherapy but it would only prolong, not cure. And apparently the tumour in her brain is starting to come back already too, the one in her lung is the primary source and her brain is where it has spread to. So, to spell it out, my auntie is dying. She's going to die. They're allowing her home tomorrow because there's no more they can do, we don't know how long she has yet, we won't find that out for at least another week apparently.

I'm sitting here typing thse words out like a zombie, like I'm disengaged from my body. It hasn't truly hit yet. My body is physically carrying out actions but my mind has ceased to exist. No one close to me has ever died. Family friends and people I only distantly knew yes, but no one in my family, no one that I love and see every day. I have no idea how to cope with this, no idea how I should be reacting, no idea what to do or say. I really just want to pretend this is all some horrible nightmare, but I don't know if that would make the pain worse later on when I fully come to terms with what's happening. I just...don't know. I'm incapable of feeling anything right now, it's like I'm numb inside. More than anything right now I'm scared for everyone else, because it's not just me losing someone. My mother is going to lose her sister, my grandma is going to lose her daughter, a young man is going to lose his own mother. I fear for them all, how they'll all cope. My grandma is 86 and keeps poor health, I don't know if she's strong enough to deal with this, I don't know if any of us are.

I feel sick when I think back to the beginning of all this when we all thought she was pulling a fast one on us. And now look, she's dying. The guilt is knawing at my insides at some of the stuff I said/thought about her.

I need to stop typing now.


[diagnosis| numb]
[background noise|The Planets Bend Between Us - Snow Patrol]

I just remembered that this coming Tuesday is my grandma's birthday and we're having a little gathering. This means I will have to function normally among other humans after the epicness that will be Monday night. UM, WHAT FUCKERY IS THIS WORLD? I'M SUPPOSED TO DO THAT HOW? The total fangirling aside, I don't see myself getting much sleep that night either, and I will probably look like a zombie on Tuesday.

REAL LIFE, YOU FAIL.

[diagnosis| silly]
[background noise|Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold]