Before I get into what I updated to say, I'd better fill in a few gaps.
You'll all remember the drama of my auntie having an operation to remove a brain tumour that I posted about just recently. The preliminary outcome of that was that it went well and they managed to remove it all. Then they found a suspected tumour on her lung and their strong suspiscion was that it was lung cancer, which was later confirmed. Before today's news, the last we'd heard from the consultant was that they'd be able to treat it in some way (either chemotherapy or an operation) and that she'd be fine, he seemed very confident about this. Not so. Her son met with said consultant today and the basic gist is that it's inoperable, they could still treat her with chemotherapy but it would only prolong, not cure. And apparently the tumour in her brain is starting to come back already too, the one in her lung is the primary source and her brain is where it has spread to. So, to spell it out, my auntie is dying. She's going to die. They're allowing her home tomorrow because there's no more they can do, we don't know how long she has yet, we won't find that out for at least another week apparently.
I'm sitting here typing thse words out like a zombie, like I'm disengaged from my body. It hasn't truly hit yet. My body is physically carrying out actions but my mind has ceased to exist. No one close to me has ever died. Family friends and people I only distantly knew yes, but no one in my family, no one that I love and see every day. I have no idea how to cope with this, no idea how I should be reacting, no idea what to do or say. I really just want to pretend this is all some horrible nightmare, but I don't know if that would make the pain worse later on when I fully come to terms with what's happening. I just...don't know. I'm incapable of feeling anything right now, it's like I'm numb inside. More than anything right now I'm scared for everyone else, because it's not just me losing someone. My mother is going to lose her sister, my grandma is going to lose her daughter, a young man is going to lose his own mother. I fear for them all, how they'll all cope. My grandma is 86 and keeps poor health, I don't know if she's strong enough to deal with this, I don't know if any of us are.
I feel sick when I think back to the beginning of all this when we all thought she was pulling a fast one on us. And now look, she's dying. The guilt is knawing at my insides at some of the stuff I said/thought about her.
I need to stop typing now.
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background noise|The Planets Bend Between Us - Snow Patrol]